i got this new layout but the site i got it from did not have a guest book to thank the designer. i have diary-theft guilt although there is no way to fix it...

so i figured out why i'm so upset. xavier is pretending like we are still friends when it is painfully obvious (at least to me) that we aren't right now. now that i've figured that out i'm much better. i'm not saying that we won't be friends in the future, there is definitly a possiblity for that, but right now this is just the way it is.

so all the anger and rejection i was feeling is pretty much gone. not that i couldn't use some affection just that it's not quite as serious as before.

the other night at joel's volunteering thing (where he takes the people staying at the hostel up the street to steamers)we were sitting with all these kids(who are really more like grown ups) and he asked me if i was his girlfriend. i got all embarassed, i'm not sure why and some girl pointed out i looked embarassed to make things worse. it was just so high school awful, not that things like that happened to me specifically in highschool but when people talk about high school horror stories that's the kind of thing i think of. so i said something lame like "i'd like to be" and he said something equally awful "good" or "ok". i swear i'm tramatized. but i think i'm over it.

class tomorrow. after my little week and a half break it's scary to think of how fucked up this will be and how much catching up i'll have to do. i hate lungs, and lung infections, and roommates "not being able to live with someone they care about" because they are 18 and stupid. those by the way are the reasons i missed a week and a half of classes.

if i ever even consider moving in with someone under the age of 22 someone please shake me into reality. currently there is a very weird atmosphere around the house of xavier pretending everything is fine while treating me like shit and myself being to sick to give a fuck what he's doing.